WHAT'S UP WITH JEROME??

He writes of the person who thinks these things when he looks in the mirror. He is Jerome.

Being in a relationship he thinks, might not just be for him. For him, he sincerely doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. O no, don’t get him wrong, he knows how to be a friend, how to be a brother, and also how to be a son but how to have a partner or have someone who is included in his day to day existence, someone he’s willing to do just almost anything for or sacrifice for, he has an idea close to nothing.

Jerome has dated a number of ladies, of course, but it never turned into anything hardy or substantial. In fact, the longest relationship he has had would be for say 8 months.

Quite sadly, he has over time succeeded in pushing away his lovers, until they are left with no option than to end it themselves. He was petrified every step of the way!

But what could Jerome really be scared of? Truth be told, he doesn’t know; but every time he starts settling into some routine, he’ll pull back. He always finds himself retreating. It will be easy to say he has commitment phobia or he’s someone who just hasn’t met the right person yet or in extreme cases, maybe he just doesn’t know what he wants; all of which could be correct, but he’s sure it’s something deeper, something far more serious than just dating the wrong people. And NO, he doesn’t think it’s spiritual!

He counts it as a failure on his part, a kind of shortcoming. “Maybe this is my shortcoming, my cross, my weak spot.  Maybe I just legitimately, honestly don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone asides myself”, he thinks to himself.

The annoying thing about all of this is that he actually enjoys companionship. He wants to be able to talk to someone, lay close to someone, gist, hangout and all.  This is not self eulogy but he knows himself to be an excellent friend and a selfless thoughtful person, even at his place of work.

All signs indicate that Jerome will be a good partner, but in reality, he’s not; he’s terrible.  He’s not even close to it.  The second he starts dating someone, he starts to feel suffocated and looks for a way out. He breaks plans, make excuses, all for nothing.

Sometimes he asks himself why he’s so quick to deny himself of something he clearly wants.  It has always been self sabotage really, nothing else!

He’s so locked inside of himself, scared of someone bringing him out. He’s scared of someone loving him beyond his comprehension. He’s scared he’ll always let them down, so he lets them go.  He looks at his relationship experiences sometimes, in comparison to other people his age and he feels totally pathetic.

“It’s me, I am the problem!!!”, he screams in thought “I have had people who were ready to love me, ready to be my partner, ready to go all the way for me and I always run away from them.  In my excuse, I would just take them as being unguided or blindly in love. I have serious intimacy issues.”

At times, he wants to figure it out, but he also has to face the reality that he might not ever figure it out. He really doesn’t know how he got to this level, but here he is! This is where Jerome has found himself, or would he say, this is where he has brought Jerome to.

Comments and suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks.

PS: (Thanks Sure_la for editing) You rock!!!!