He writes of the person who thinks these things
when he looks in the mirror. He is Jerome.
Being in a relationship he thinks, might not
just be for him. For him, he sincerely doesn’t know how to be in a
relationship. O no, don’t get him wrong, he knows how to be a friend, how to be
a brother, and also how to be a son but how to have a partner or have someone
who is included in his day to day existence, someone he’s willing to do just
almost anything for or sacrifice for, he has an idea close to nothing.
Jerome has dated a number of ladies, of course,
but it never turned into anything hardy or substantial. In fact, the longest
relationship he has had would be for say 8 months.
Quite sadly, he has over time succeeded in
pushing away his lovers, until they are left with no option than to end it
themselves. He was petrified every step of the way!
But what could Jerome really be scared of?
Truth be told, he doesn’t know; but every time he starts settling into some
routine, he’ll pull back. He always finds himself retreating. It will be easy
to say he has commitment phobia or he’s someone who just hasn’t met the right
person yet or in extreme cases, maybe he just doesn’t know what he wants; all
of which could be correct, but he’s sure it’s something deeper, something far
more serious than just dating the wrong people. And NO, he doesn’t think it’s
spiritual!
He counts it as a failure on his
part, a kind of shortcoming. “Maybe this is my shortcoming, my cross, my weak
spot. Maybe I just legitimately,
honestly don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone asides myself”, he
thinks to himself.
The
annoying thing about all of this is that he actually enjoys companionship. He wants
to be able to talk to someone, lay close to someone, gist, hangout and
all. This is not self eulogy but he knows
himself to be an excellent friend and a selfless thoughtful person, even at his
place of work.
All signs
indicate that Jerome will be a good partner, but in reality, he’s not; he’s
terrible. He’s not even close to
it. The second he starts dating someone,
he starts to feel suffocated and looks for a way out. He breaks plans, make
excuses, all for nothing.
Sometimes
he asks himself why he’s so quick to deny himself of something he clearly wants. It has always been self sabotage really,
nothing else!
He’s so
locked inside of himself, scared of someone bringing him out. He’s scared of
someone loving him beyond his comprehension. He’s scared he’ll always let them
down, so he lets them go. He looks at
his relationship experiences sometimes, in comparison to other people his age
and he feels totally pathetic.
“It’s me,
I am the problem!!!”, he screams in thought “I have had people who were ready
to love me, ready to be my partner, ready to go all the way for me and I always
run away from them. In my excuse, I
would just take them as being unguided or blindly in love. I have serious
intimacy issues.”
At times,
he wants to figure it out, but he also has to face the reality that he might
not ever figure it out. He really doesn’t know how he got to this level, but
here he is! This is where Jerome has found himself, or would he say, this is
where he has brought Jerome to.
Comments
and suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks.
PS: (Thanks Sure_la for editing) You rock!!!!
